Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Dear 16 year old me...

Dear 16 year old me,

It's ok to be you. Stop trying to be skinny enough, popular enough and pretty enough. Stop trying to force yourself into circles that are not welcoming. You are fine without them. Trust your gut. Don't give into the peer pressure from your boyfriend, your co-workers or your so-called friends. It's not worth it.

Those thoughts of being less than? Forget them. Don't listen to the people telling you that you're too skinny or too fat. You are perfect as you are. Stop ruminating on every word spoken to you, it will only destroy your perspective.

Ignore the bullies, they find joy that they don't deserve when they tear you down. You are better than them. Forget the teachers who say you can't do it. You have the brains, use them. Don't let someone else's lack of confidence in you destroy the confidence you have in yourself.

Most of all, practice self love. Speak encouraging words to yourself and others. Take time to express yourself in healthy ways instead of giving into unhealthy habits. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Finding Myself Again

Looking back on my life since February, when I went so far down into those deep, dark thoughts that I couldn't handle life anymore, the change astonishes me. I have learned to love myself again. I've regained my joy. I look at my family and feel so full of pride. Everything is different. And it feels good.

Getting here was a long, hard, seemingly impossible journey. I think about how far down I was, how worthless I felt, how numb I was and I see a totally different person. I didn't care. I didn't feel joy. I had lost my Faith. I felt so incredibly empty that I just couldn't see the point in going on. I would think to myself, "who would want a mother like this?" and with each time that thought made it into my brain, I would be a step closer to suicide. Until I would try. Again and again and again. Yet, I'm still here. And oh how grateful I feel.

I know some of you are in that dark, lonely place. You may have lost the spark that makes you, you. I know I did. I was a shell of a human being and it. felt. awful. You may feel like you have nowhere to go or no one to talk to. Or maybe you feel like you are just going in circles from day to day. But you know what? You're here. You still have a purpose. The light may be so far away that it has seemingly gone out, but I promise it's still there. And if you grit your teeth and claw and fight you will see it again. You'll learn to be kind to yourself, you'll learn how to cope, you'll learn how to dance again.

So please, keep fighting. You are so, so worth it. And when you come out on the other side I promise you will be stronger for it.