Monday, April 22, 2019

Finding the Joy

During an Easter Weekend filled with sunny days, fun times and Jesus, I felt guilty. Guilty because I desperately wanted to be consumed with as much joy as my husband and children, but it just wasn't all there. Yes, I was happy and yes, I was enjoying my precious time with family. But I wanted more. I wanted to feel uplifted and full. Instead I was running on half empty.

Why is it that someone with mental health issues has so much trouble finding the FULL joy during amazing parts of life? I had no reason to struggle over the weekend. Everything was near perfect, yet there were times where I had to force smiles, reassure that everything was fine and internally feel guilty for both.

But is the guilt warranted? I'm honestly not sure. On one end, I can't help how I feel. There is no switch I can flip, no happy thought to uplift my mind and spirit. But then, I feel like I should be able to find the joy when everything is good. And that's what the weekend was - good! Beyond good, actually.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself and maybe I should be kinder towards my feelings. But man, it's hard. Especially when everyone around me has that spark. When you can tell that the are truly and completely happy and I'm just not.

Even as I sit here today, I look back on the weekend and wish I had soaked it all in. That I was able to ingrain every smile, every laugh, every piece of happiness that everyone else saw. That I could see through the mental health fog and have a clear view of the absolute joy in front of me.

But, so goes my days with these diseases of the mind. And despite my guilt and disappointment in myself, I do think that I will remember this Easter weekend as good. As a time that my family saw everything clearly, even if I didn't. And knowing that brings me a little more joy than I had before. Because even if it wasn't perfect for me, I hope it was nearly perfect for them. 

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