Tuesday, November 13, 2018

The Cloud

Sometimes you feel it coming. Other times it hits you like a ton of bricks. This time, it was somewhere in between - feeling "off" without the depression actually setting in, until it did.

Tonight, as my kids ran wild instead of sitting at the table as they were told to do, I felt it. That black cloud
that consumes everything. That turns your mindset from optimistic to empty. That you can actually feel in your bones. My body became heavier. My brain felt foggy. And although I was looking at my family, my eyesight felt blank.

My world has changed again. The stress and loneliness has gotten to me. The chronic pain I feel with endometriosis has consumed so much of my energy and my ability to function. I'm. Exhausted.

There's a song out right now by Building 429 called "Where I belong" The chorus has words that have resonated with me in a way that only Satan could twist them...

"All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong" 

I hear this song on the radio all the time. I know that it's supposed to be encouraging, but all it makes me think of, especially when I'm down, is how much better the other side will be. So often I feel like I don't belong here, that the world would be better off without me. 

But I will fight, just like I always do. I will lean on my support system. I will get through it. I'm not entirely sure how right now, but I know I can. I'm aware enough to know my family needs me. That I am loved. I'm present enough to recognize that things are going south, to catch it before it's too late. 

I will survive again and again and again. Because I have no other choice. 

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you! I hope you get the surgery for your endometriosis soon.