Monday, August 6, 2018

The Crash

It's set in. The sadness, the hiding, the depression.

I am struggling - bad. Yesterday, the thoughts I dread crept in.

"You're not good enough"
"Your family deserves better"
"Look around. Everything is a mess. It's your fault."
"You can't fix this. Why try"

So here I sit here near tears, barely able to function. I'm keeping my kids safe and healthy. I'm making sure we have clean clothes and dishes. I'm trying to breathe. The bare minimum to survive this life with three little boys in my care.

I want to be ok. I try to put on a brave face, but it's not brave enough to face anyone outside the walls of my house. My heart wants to take the kids outside. To make play dates. To do something. My brain won't let me. Just thinking about leaving the house gives me anxiety. The idea of taking the trash bin down the driveway makes my heart race and my stomach churn. It's crippling.

I haven't felt this way in months. I want to curl up in a corner and cry, but even one tear sends my sweet oldest unto a panic. So I put on a brave face. I parent the best I can, but each challenge beats me just a little further into the ground.

The worst part is that I know this is situational. Our little family had so much going on right now and I feel like there's nothing I can do to make it better. I am helpless. And I feel hopeless.

So here I am, waiting on a call back from my doctor, because I realize I can't do this alone. Friends, it's so important to get help. Don't try to do life alone. Talk to family. Find a good doctor. Seek help when you need to. Your life is too important not to. My life is too important not to.

It will get better.

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