This has been very hard on my husband and I. I cried with each family member we told. After we explained it to everyone, I gathered up my emotions, put them away and got serious about getting necessary appointments scheduled and researching the diagnosis.
I didn't take time to process because I was scared of plummeting. I didn't want to let my emotions take over and surround me with depression. I didn't want to hit that low again. That my baby needs me to have hulk like strength to get through this.
Then, it happened. I crashed. I cried. I looked at my sweet boy and unintentionally pictured the shaved head, the scar. I thought about how hard it will be to explain the surgery if he needs it. How hard his recovery may be. I imagined my husband and I praying in the waiting room as he was operated on, silently crying out of fear until we received the news that it went well.
I decided that this would be my processing day. I would take this one 24 hour period to stay in my pajamas, cry and sleep. To let the sadness and depression take over. I needed to let all of the emotion out. And it worked.
I cried and cursed and hugged my baby. The one time he caught me crying, I assured him that they were happy tears because sometimes people feel so lucky that they cry, and that's OK. There was some truth to that. The tears were because I love him so deeply that the idea of brain surgery devastates me. I feel so incredibly helpless. And on that day, my processing day, I let the helplessness take over with all of those other depression enducing emotions.
The next day, I gathered myself again. I packed away the depression. I told myself that I am strong enough to handle this. I reached out to anyone I could think of, desperately trying to prepare myself for every possibility. I took charge of my emotions, because I'm his mommy and he needs me. My husband needs me as much as I need him. And as a team, we are going to tackle this thing head on.
I write this because I want people to know that when times get hard, you don't have to be strong every single day. You're allowed to feel. I don't think it's healthy not to. It's ok to cry. It's ok to yell. It's ok to feel everything to the point of exhaustion - as long as you can pack it back up. Because you have to be strong. You can't let the sadness control you. You have to survive for those you love.
So take your day. Process. Pray. Take care of yourself so you can take care of those who need you. You got this.
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